Generational gaps with immigrants – the secret to never arguing with your parents, loving them and doing what you want in life

I once dated this guy who was waiter with the self-esteem of a doctor. I tried to understand where all the self-assurance came from. Did we both live in North America in a state that basically sponsors higher education? Confused, I asked what his parents wanted for him and he said his mom always told him “do whatever makes you happy son.”

There’s two ways to view this, from the immigrant perspective at least, to look at this: his parents are stupid for having such low expectations or damn he is so lucky to have no pressure to be a high performer. 

If I had gone home and told my mom that my big dream in life was to serve croissant, she would probably have put me on the first plane back to Iran and told me to only come back when I truly understand just how lucky I really am.

Before anyone gets too upset, I want to point out that I do not look down upon being a waiter. Having worked in restaurants and the night life for many years myself, I truly respect it as a profession. Wining and dining experiences bring so much joy to the human life, I would never take the people who make that experience possible out of the equation. That said, as an immigrant, you’re still free to do what you want to do… but you better own the restaurant you’re working in if it’s a career choice. 

What my mother accomplished by bringing 4 children to Canada without my father’s support, is nothing short of miraculous. She literally sacrificed everything to give us an opportunity to live our lives freely. She always encouraged us to be happy. There was always an abundant amount of love. We always came first. And she equally served as the  ULTIMATE example of whatever you put your mind to, you can achieve. 

With all the love and admiration there came a distinct sense of survivors’ guilt that I carried for many years and that I’ve come realize, is not unique to my situation. I am the benefactor for the years of struggle my mother went through. I gained from her pain. And before you say “but that’s a mother’s job and all mothers sacrifice for their kids”, let me point out that I didn’t see the parents of that waiter leaving a war-torn country and an abusive marriage, and learning to live in an entire different culture and society, leaving everyone and everything she has come to know behind.   

As many immigrant children, you are likely to feel that you cannot live your life as you choose if it does not fall in line with your parents’ standards. This can lead to feeling that their love is conditional towards you and in some cases, such as mine, that you don’t in fact own your life. Both feelings create a false sense of reality that in turn create massive pain both within you and towards the relationship you may have with your parents.

There is no need to live with this pain. You can love your parents, be free of arguments and live your life based on your own standards of happiness. Both you and your parents want the same thing: for you to live your best life. But in order to have the audacity to live that way and show compassion to your parents when they disagree with you, is for you to learn how to love yourself unconditionally. It is knowing that you will not die without their approval, you can still love them wholeheartedly and it is releasing the expectation that they need to hold your hand every step of the way.

One thing is for sure, you need to take the time to release their life blueprint so that you have the audacity to make your own choices without feeling that you are living against what has been engrained in you. Your parents, your parent’s parents, and their parents all inherited from a collective consciousness that derives from an ancestral memory. All too often beliefs are passed down that no longer serve from one generation to the next. Instead of judging your parents and getting all up in a frenzy, you would do yourself and them good to simply release the beliefs that do not serve you.

Take the good and leave the rest. If you're not sure what limiting patterns you've inherited, take a look at which emotions you tend to avoid, what situations bring out the worst in you, and how you talk to yourself. Another massively important step to take is to embrace your inner child by building a relationship with her. If you want to know how to start this, download this free guided meditation and let me know what comes up for you! 

To your love and life success,

Atena Sadegh,